I always tried to take what my therapist told me with a grain of salt but a lot of things he used to tell me about myself are coming back to haunt me. I want so desperately to make you proud. I want you to notice me and be proud of me. Proud of what I do, what I accomplish. I know now that me trying to make you proud is me vicariously trying to make my father proud. Yet, whatever the case may be: it doesn't make it right. Sometimes love isn't enough.

People don't stay in relationships just to make it through a year without killing one another. Is that how low the bar has been set? Is that what we are here for? To meet anniversaries, to just see it through the end of another week and call it a triumph? It's awfully sad.

I'm constantly defending myself for you. In front of everyone, all the time. I have to keep my guard up because our relationship is so questionable. Even unto this day, it's questionable. I understand how it could be but I'm so tired of having to defend us. I just don't want to be that girl who gets asked, "Why?" and have my only answer be: "Because I love him."

Because that isn't enough. It's not. Love isn't some crazy force that sneaks its way into your heart. Love isn't an expression; love commands expression from each individual it affects. There is a fundamental difference. Love requires action and patience and care and commitment. Love is not a bandage. It is not a mask. Love will show you who you really are, not who you wish you were. Not who you wish you could be but the beautifully powerful person you have always been destined to become. Love is not a fantasy, it is not a fairytale. It's hard fucking work. It requires attention and constant reevaluation.

I drive myself crazy over you and I hate myself for it. I hate that I need you so much. I hate that I've only gotten better at certain things because you've come around. I hate that I couldn't do this on my own. I'm angry. I feel like I owe you everything and I hate it. I don't want to owe you anything. I want to say I did it because it was my idea and I knew it was the right thing to do from the beginning. But I can't because it was your idea and I was too afraid to do what was right. It was too easy to be bad.

Why is it that I can't seem to do one right thing without you and you have constant control over everything without little to no help from me?

I feel like all of the goals I have set for myself have to take a back seat because what you are working on now is far more important. And you didn't "make it seem" that way -- that is how it is. And I hate you for that, too. I hate that you are taking advantage of the opportunities I saw wash down the drain. I hate that I'm behind you academically. I hate the fact that you have an answer for everything. And the right answer at that.

Everything I do is for you. All my MySpace songs and bulletins and headlines are about you, all of my away messages, all of my blogs. All of my prayers. EVERYTHING. Should I be more direct? Are the subliminals not working?

I hate that I don't know who I am without you. Don't you think I should?

We are two very different people. You are so completely unaffected. And I hate you for that but I envy you at the same time. I feel like there is nothing I can do or say that could make you happy. Of course I know deep down that this is untrue but this is how I feel. It doesn't matter if I make you a card out of loose leaf paper with some childish doodle of you & I or if I fly across the country for your birthday: the result is the same. And I hate you for that. You are unaffected and it hurts. I get excited over everything. More importantly, I get excited over the right things. I get excited about you coming to California to see me. I go to the store with my parents and make sure we have all your "favorites" (Oreos, Cereal, chips) in the house for you when you come. I wash my sheets and give up my bed to make sure you are as comfortable as possible. And if you buy me a new pair of shoes for work I tell you "Thank you, Thank you, Thank you" a hundred times over just so you get the picture.

I don't think I'm better than you, don't get me wrong. I don't even believe I "love you more" anymore. It's not about that. I don't know what it is but I wish I knew so I could figure this out.