before i shower.

(sometimes) i wish i didn't have any commitments. i wish i didn't have to call people and check up on them. i just want to be alone. left in the company of my own thoughts. i know it sounds selfish but it's true. i wish i could go back and re-work some of my relationships with people.

i wish i could keep my mouth shut. why do i have to tell everyone everything that's going on in my life? people will use any & every little thing you tell them against you. they'll use that information to make you feel like a shitty person. a shitty daughter, a shitty sister, a shitty friend, a shitty girlfriend -- whatever.

i wish i weren't so close to people. i wish i was a mystery. but then again, this is what i asked for. what i prayed for & i got it. i guess i'll never be satisfied.

when i really dig into the darkest corners of my mind, i realize that the most of the people i have met in my life have been a disappointment to me. i know i have disappointed others as well. i feel like i've never had a real frienship with someone. like i've never been in a real relationship with anyone.

everyone is faking it, as far as i see it.
the entire human race disgusts me.
myself included.

the other hand is asking: what's real?

i forgot about my family. & it's sad but it's the truth. all this time i spent searching for people to accept me & love me for who i was. all this time i spent trying to be a part of a "unit", a "group". & here it is. right in front of me.

i'm paranoid.