after the bookstore today.

i seriously contemplated going to the beach & going in the water. i was thinking maybe the tide would catch me & i could drown.

please, takes this with a grain of salt.

it's hard to understand.

if you've never suffocated, or choked, or drowned: you wouldn't understand.
the amount of strength one can muster when they know time is no longer on their side.

it's a sick thought.
& i apologize.

but that's where most of my thoughts remian:
in my mind.
i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
- e. e. cummings