it's been a while.

hasn't it? i really just signed in to leave myself a note/visual reminder.

life is an oxymoron. it -- literally -- pains me sometimes to think about certain things. especially money & school. i need to figure something out & i need to figure it out quick. before the end of August. time is a funny, little thing. it never bends to our commands. we want time to speed, instead it crawls. we say slow down & it clutches to fourth gear. what's up with that? there are so many things i wish i could start today. & there so many things i wish i could stop myself from doing at the same time. i wouldn't say i don't know what i'm doing. because i do have options. & i do have a rough idea.

a jump off into the deep end would be a nice change for me & those around me. i suppose??

"i picked up smoking because it gave me an identity. i wasn't sure who i was but if people needed to describe me -- they could say i was a smoker."

i'm sort of split down the middle. i still want to say whogivesashitaboutsmoking. let me do what i want. & yeah, it does relax you. & yeah, i can skip meals when i'm smoking but ..

i don't know. everyone smokes for different reasons.

but if i really stop & think about it: a habit like that is just another reason for some punk ass to judge you. & i'd like to save the drama for momma (as they say). i don't need it.

i'm an onion. they are so many layers to me. so many layers you lazy mothafuckas are unwilling to peel.

so if you meet me & i have a cigarette in my hand.
i know -- for a fact -- your mind'll be racing a mile a minute.

& it's sad but that's who you are.
& this is who i am.

me, finding my identity.

i quittttt.