you don't notice your mistakes.

when you're making them. & you surely don't realize things are changing in the midst of change. there are few people in this world who deserve your trust. your time, your effort. very, very few. & even then, on certain occasions -- some sick, half-alive person will sneak through the cracks & tarnish your sunshine. you don't really notice people leaving until they're completely & utterly gone. & no amount of planning or forewarning can prepare you for that.

i worry about who i've become. or better yet, who i tell people i am. i used to pray for excitement, a good story to tell my friends. but now? i just wish people would stop asking so many fucking questions. i wish people would stop prying. i'm sure the majority means no harm (actually i'm not sure to be honest) but would letting anyone know everything make me or him or us or we or any of us feel better?

i doubt it.

i feel numb. merely moving from one day to the next, going through the same set of motions.

i feel like i'm floating above the image of what my life could truly be. no, i am certaintly not depressed. i'm no hypochondriac but i can say with much certainty that i am not depressed.

i just wish things were different. living isn't the big battle. living with your decisions is.

i'm going to miss you, to say the least.