because it's all i've thought about.

for the past two weeks. so i'm finally going to discuss this with myself.

what really happens when we die? like, i REALLY want to know. i'm not on this big, elaborate spiritual quest (or am i?) but why does God have to keep this shit a mystery from us. i want to know where i'm going to go. if there is a place to go after all of this, what the fuck does it look like? who dwells in this place? i don't know. i feel very confused. thinking about this kind of stuff just makes me nauseous & teary eyed. if You're trying to get me to understand something God -- i'm not following. really, i'm not. this WHOLE past week i've watched T.V. shows about death, read about death for my literature classes (coincidentally), & thought about it uncontrollably.

AND I DON'T GET IT. maybe there is nothing to get. maybe You don't want me to understand. or need me to. maybe you want my fear to be lessened. maybe that's what this is.

there are so many people that were important to me that i've already lost. not any more than the next person but enough to really feel the deep, stinging pain of death.

this whole, mobile, united cycle is it. it's all we have on this planet, i suspect. surely there is no life without death. & no death without life. these two are completely & utterly dependent on another. no growth without mistakes. & no real happiness that wasn't made late by a few stabs in the heart. THIS IS WHAT WE HAVE. & this is the balance.

when i start typing as franctically as i am now, i can't help but think of a few movie/sitcom quotes. just last night i was watching Dawson's Creek & it was the episode where Dawson's father dies. his mother & grandmother are just talking about how they're coping & she says something about how we as humans do nothing other than give our hearts away. to every cause and person & thing. we just give out hearts away. so much so that when someone close us to dies (someone we love), a little bit of us dies too. & why do we do it? BECAUSE IT'S ALL WE KNOW. & we do it everytime. & if we didn't have those little happy moments then what have we got to look forward to?

i mean, think about it. everyday is just another organized set of actions, movements & sayings. but at the end of the day, when you're alone & you're praying or being still or meditating or getting centered .. WHATEVER -- that's it. that's eternity & that's worship, & it's meaningful & THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT THIS WHOLE THING WE CALL LIFE IS ALL ABOUT.

i think a lot of the time people feel extremely distant from God. & i've felt that way too, sometimes for an extended period of time but when you really look around -- there is something way bigger out there. whether that's a divine being who knows all or just the presence of love and power and divinity and an "all-good". there has to be.

"Life is filled with goodbyes, Eve, a million goodbyes, and it hurts every time. Sometimes, I feel like I've lost so much, I have to find new things to lose. All I know is, there must be a divine point to it all, and it's just over my head. That when we die, it will all come clear. And then we'll say, "So that was the damn point." And sometimes, I think there's no point at all, and maybe that's the point. All I know is most people's lives are a great disappointment to them and no one leaves this earth without feeling terrible pain. And if there is no divine explanation at the end of it all, well... that's sad."
- Eve's Bayou