& i think for the most part.

Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
- Lord Alfred Tennyson
i've let my insecurities control me for a really, really long time. & it's not cool. i don't know how i let myself live like this for so long. it's just way beyond easier to throw up your hands & be mean, and spiteful, and just ridiculous to someone you probably know very little about. moreover, i'm constantly changing my mind about EVERYTHING so it's like the day i've declared WWIII against the above mentioned person i know little about -- they say something terribly insightful or amazing or have an opinion i agree with & then i just feel like idiot. because i've missed a connection. everybody has something to offer, the way i see it (now).

i mean, there's a lot of levels to this shit. more levels then i have really have time to discuss about at the moment but i think this also plays into my constantly needing attention. i honestly do not know anyone else in this entire world who wants, commands, and needs attention as much as i do. it's totally absurd but a majority of the time i have really good excuses for my thinking/acting. but to be honest: i'm running out of excuses. it's sort of childish to ask someone else to completely devote themselves to me & nothing else. there's no other way to put it. it's childish. & contradictory to my insecurity paragraph above.

how can one be so adamant about receiving attention & retaining it but not even give another the opportunity to receive one's own attention? it's unfair.

i blow things out of proportion A LOT. sometimes i just want to hurt so bad so i can reassure myself that the world is the same, fucked up place it was a year ago. & maybe it is. maybe we can only take this shit a day at a time & nothing else. but that doesn't mean this world is completely void of people who care. who want nothing else then to give you the love and attention you so desperately seek. as long as you are good to them in the same way.