i asked my mom today.

if (maybe) she felt like her children have failed her. when i say "failed" i mean in the sense that none of us have really graduated from college (yet) or done anything extremely successful as far as jobs or school go. anyway. my mom said that yeah, she sort of felt like we have failed her but moreover she felt like we were failing ourselves because none of us were trying to be successful academically. i wasn't really surprised when she all this because i knew she'd felt like this since all the drama with my middle sister 2 years ago.

i feel bad for my mom because i know she works so hard 24/7 to provide a nice life for all us (my Dad included) & she had even told me that one of her "friends" (& i put this in quotes because this woman turned out to be whack & not someone my mother could really trust) was constantly comparing her kids to my sisters & i. this woman would call my mother from time to time to talk about what her kids were "achieving" things while my sisters & i were just "doing" stuff.

i'm not really sure what the point of this blog is. i remember in high school when i had my senior retreat & everyone was reading notes from their parents. the majority of my friend's notes had lines about all their academic achievements and how their parents were so proud of them. the note my mom had written me discussed things like my strong faith, my commitment to my relationships/friendships & how she was so happy that i was her daughter.

i guess accomplishment & success mean different things to different people. & i've been saying this a lot but i'm being honest when i say it: i'm happy with who i am. i don't go to bed at night second guessing myself or any decisions i made. any mistakes i make are ultimately between me & God. i'm proud of who i am. i'm sharp as a tack & i don't need someone else to tell me that.

i said this in a previous blog but if you don't know certain things about yourself -- who do you expect to know these things for you? if you don't think you're successful you think someone's going to jump out the bushes & be like: "hey! you're achieving something great!". yeah right. you've got to know it in your heart. & run with it.