scarlet letter much?

part of me is thankful i am at a point in my young adult life where i can take accountability for my actions. most people, after doing what i did go on (pretending) to lead happy, successful relationships. there is another, larger part of me that feels like a criminal. and still, there is another piece of myself that feels you might have committed the same act. but that particular piece is probably just me trying to swim up stream in this pile of shit i miraculously created for myself within the past 72 hours.

nonetheless, i broke my own heart. the irony. oh, the irony. it seems trivial to most people. what i did, i mean. you yourself even told me late last night not to really "worry about it". but how can i not? maybe i am beating myself up about this. maybe i am. i might be. but don't forget who i am. i love love. i love the idea of love. i love the feeling of being in love. i read about it, i write about. all the music on my iPod is about it. i yearn for it. i find it in the nooks and crannies of life people forget about it.

but more importantly, i love you. i'm in a relationship with you & i'm commited to you. no one really understands our relationship to begin with. & that's okay. i don't mind. i don't (really) need anyone to understand but you. very few people know about what i went through before i met you. very, very few people. i've tried explaining it but no one understands. & that's okay. it's okay, i guess. i don't understand how the girl who went through all of that bullshit could turn around & do the same thing to you. i'm not saying i took it to the same extent but still. you know what i mean.

it's depressing. it really, really is. & that's how it's supposed to be, i guess. & just for the record: Machiavelli lied. the ends don't always justify the means. i poisoned myself & now i feel like our relationship is tainted. our relationship is tainted. that's how i feel.

maybe i'll get over it in a few days. maybe you don't really forgive me. i don't think you did.

help?