so i've been a little bipolar this week.

forgive me. periods suck. that's not the best excuse but it helps to explain why i've been acting the way i have.

when you get into a relationship with someone you learn so much about yourself. well, maybe not learn per say but i think we become more willing to accept ourselves -- faults & all. i've realized that i'm a really, really jealous person. it seems juvenile to think that if you spend time with other people you're going to "run out" of love for me. it sounds crazy to even type it but that's how i feel. i want you all to myself but at the same time, i want everyone to know about you, to be your friend. you're my best friend. amazing, so smart it fucking kills & on top of this all -- beautiful. inside & out ;). they say to love something is to give it room to grow. so that's what i intend to do. i am fully, 110% putting this in God's hands. i can't control you. i sure as in hell can't even control myself (ha).

i'm not giving up on you.

there is so much beauty in paradoxes. in unfinished sentences. in the text messages we exchange. we can't hope for big, full-on, fireworks-in-the-sky happiness all the time. it's unrealistic & downright selfish. to ask for anything more from you would be a joke. tonight at dinner my sister said you carry this big banner with my name on it where ever you go. "it ain't hard to tell". & that is nothing closer to the truth. i'm going to lay off, Golden Boy.

memories of February 15th & the Korean Friendship Bell are what help get me through days like this. as much as i hate being away from you & not getting to see you on a regular basis, knowing that through all of this -- the distance & even the way i've been acting recently -- you still love me is the most amazing act of undiluted kindness i've ever experienced.

you are grace personified. i love you always.