but quickly reversed my physical decision & decided to pull myself together. i don't like this. i've said it a million times but: i. do. not. like. this. & coming to terms with the current limitations of our relationship DOES NOT MAKE THIS ANY EASIER. i cannot stress that enough. understanding that you are where you are & i am where i am does not alleviate an ounce of pain. it doesn't. i don't know why i thought it ever could. i cannot remember the last time i was able to bask in uninterrupted, pure happiness. this isn't a personal attack but even you leave. it's not your fault, i understand that as well but even we are interrupted for 3/4 month periods. I HATE THIS. i prefer typing this out because if i talk to anyone about this personally i either: a) get depressed or b) am looked at like i have three heads. it sounds crazy because it very well is. it's absolutely ridiculous & i'm fucking tired of it. i really don't know how i ended up in this situation. not to say that i am unsatisfied. i love you with all my heart. you remind of everything good in the world. you are that last, true flicker of hope on the eve of my daily apocalypses. i promise. but i can't say that i am not unhappy. i am unhappy. i'm lonesome. i'm depressed. i'm sad. i can't even talk to you on the phone without getting that terrible lump in my throat.
WHAT. THE. FUCK. DUDE.
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